Alarm Clock Dreams

Some people dream of good things, being rich, sex, having superpowers, even eating great food. So why can't I wake up to a dream along those lines. Today I woke to a very vivid, very real dream. I was in the workplace of my ex and of course I see her and approach her as she is talking to some guy that is obviously flirting with her. She has a boyfriend but still she's flirting with this other guy and its obvious she likes him too. I talk to her a bit, and I wake up! I feel terrible, jealous and worst of all I still miss her like hell and this a terrible reminder of thoughts I am normally able to box up in a part of my brain.

My ex and I were together from September 1999 all the way to November 2005 when I found out she was hanging out with a coworker. That's when she left me for him, but still clung to me and I still clung to her. She lied to me in the worst ways after that to keep me in her life and those lies are some of the most painful things I've had to deal with in my life. We decided to get back together in May 2007 but that lasted until the following September. I love her, but damn I had and still have unanswered questions that bred mistrust and animosity. She went back to the other guy a few months later.

I'd like to say I'm over her and sometimes I truly feel that way, but I know I will always love her and wish her well despite all the crap I went through. It is also that love that makes me realize most of this is my fault. I've never been a responsible guy, never did college and I've gone from job to job. I paid less and less attention to her as the years wore on in our relationship and maybe she thought I didn't care and turned to another for support. Despite my anger and pain in her betrayal, I still feel I shoulder most of the blame.

I screwed up, but the dreams that still come are very painful reminders. I'd like to wake up to a dream of superpowers or hot sex just once.